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Hampton Roads' Biggest "Born & Raised" Know-It-All!
The Downtowner Answerman
Dear Downtowner
Answerman,
My wife is divorcing me because of my pet parrot,
Oscar. It’s all because the parrot keeps saying
“Oh, Suzy! Oh, Suzy!” My wife’s name
is Clara, not Suzy. My wife gets angry everytime the
bird says this and demands me to tell her who Suzy
is and I tell her I don’t know. I explained that
the parrot was saying that before I even bought him.
Clara even took the parrot to divorce court so the
jurors could hear the exclamations. What should I
do? Should I get a divorce or get rid of the parrot
and save my marriage?
– Stressed Out on Redgate
Dear Stressed out,
I know it’s hard to believe, but that parrot,
Oscar, was once mine. It’s during the time I
was married to Suzy and Oscar picked up on some of
our conversations. I have since divorced Suzy and
as a result, took the parrot to the SPCA where you
apparently adopted him. I’m glad to know Oscar
has found a home but I’m sorry to hear that he
has wrecked your marriage. Suzy is now working at
a dive bar somewhere out on the west coast. Thanks
for the note.
•
Dear Downtowner Answerman,
I’ve enclosed a few pictures of my ugly tomatoes
for the Downtowner’s Ugly Tomato Contest. Do
you think my ugly tomatoes stand a chance of winning
the contest?
– Green Thumb Tom, Bute Street
Dear Green Thumb Tom,
As you are probably aware, the Ugly Tomato Contest
winners will be announced in the September issue with
prizes going to the top three entries. Your tomatoes
are indeed ugly and I will put in a good word for
you to our panel of experts. One of your tomatoes
even resembles one of my old girlfriends, Better Girl
Sue. Better Girl Sue broke my heart back in 1980 when
she ran off with a Yo-Yo expert.
•
Dear Downtowner Answerman,
Someone told me your birthday is coming up soon so
I have sent you a cake and I hope you enjoyed it.
My twin sister and I worked in the kitchen for hours
baking the cake. Did you like it?
– Leezie & Fleezie, Powhatan Avenue
Dear Leezie & Fleezie,
I did receive the cake and invited my grandchildren
over so they could enjoy it as well. When we opened
the box, there was nothing left but a few candles
and fire ants that scurried all over the kitchen.
I called Getem and they advised me never to accept
food from strangers ever again. I know you meant well,
Leezie and Fleezie, but next time please just send
beer money.
•
Dear Downtowner Answerman,
I know you are a big country music fan. What are some
of your favorite songs over the years?
– Country Joe, Gates Avenue
Dear Country Joe,
Two of my current favorite country tunes are “If
the phone don’t ring, you’ll know it’s
me,” and “She took my ring and gave me the
finger.” Thanks for writing.
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